“I have a thirsty fish in me
That can never find enough
Of what it is thirsty for
Show me the way to the ocean…” Rumi, Divan: 1823
The Ocean and Me
The thirsty fish is here
All day…all night
The ever longing for more
The dream of a distant blue
And the captive seagull inside
Agitating to break open the cage of my body.
“How much more of this longing can I take?” I speak into
the void, hoping no one answers back
And hear my own panic-stricken voice
“Where is the ocean? Is there an ocean?”
And sit as waves of fear wash over my exhausted body…
My anger finds a chance – and a tired
And does not lose a moment”:
“What do you call this? Longing?
“More a devastating quake”
“A fiery flash of lightening
“That leaves no greenness alive”
“And God, it is pathetic!
“The way you are drawn to it!
“As if its fiery lashes
“Were a refreshing drink of water
“Or food from heaven for your starving soul
“Don’t you see? This ‘longing’ only feeds itself!”
I am too tired to argue,
And smell conspiracy in everything
Even in the gentle whispering unknown
That echoes in my heartbeat:
“Run!
“Run to the flame and end it all!
“Don’t be afraid!
“This is the way to begin”
There is all the temptation in the world to do just that
But I am too tired to run
Tired even to be afraid
All I can do
Is to grab the confusion of the moment
And hold it tight
Feeling the comfort of not being able to clarify anything
Or to tell who is “right”
I wake up to a gentle comforting breeze
And to the thought of your smile,
A shimmering cool blue on the distant horizon
I reach out and feel
The wave of serenity
That wraps around my whole body
And look!
I never set foot outside my shady garden
The ocean journeyed to meet me!
St. Louis, Sept. 7 2000